HELLO WORLD!

Hello World!

My name is Rachael and I am just a regular 21 year old who is very interested in writing anything from short stories, reviews, daily blogs, advice, rants, poems and so much more.

I am also an aspiring and student Photographer, completing a Diploma in Photo-Imaging so I will be blogging some photographs that I take within the 2 year journey of my course.

I’m at that age where I am not sure exactly what I want to do with my life and have been given good feed back on my writing abilities so I thought that I would make a blog to see what the world thinks of my writing and if I could possibly pursue a career from it along with my photography goals.

So if your interested in helping a Newbie Blogger/Photographer out, come back and check my blog out every once and while and tell me what you think.

Thanks everyone!

Dear Future Child.

Dear future child,

One day when I have you I’ll thank the heavens you we’re born.

I’ll listen to your heart beat on that lovely sonogram.

I’ll cuddle you gently, I’ll go through pain and fear but it will all be worth it when your finally here.

I know it might not be awhile but please remember this because it’s true, you are loved, you are wanted and you will be here soon.

I can’t wait until the day I’ll come home and be welcomed to your face, you’ll hug me tight and in that moment I’ll know that I have found my place.

One day now child I’ll bring you into this world and then you’ll be my saving grace, and I’ll be your Mother for the rest of your days.

Happy Mother’s Day to the future Mums out there who can’t wait to have their first children or to the Mother’s that are struggling. – This day is for you too.

Uncle Trev.

Rest In Peace Uncle Trev. 🌹

You we’re always there for me whenever I needed advice.
You we’re always there for me even when I caused you strife.
You listened to my problems you always had an answer for my concerns and when I felt the world try and take me under you offered me your hand.
You told me things that made me think, you told me stories of the life you once lived and you always made me feel like I should never quit.
Thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for helping me when things were tough.
Its hard to fathom that I can’t come to you anymore in person but at least I know when things get rough I can look up at the sky and know your there in heaven.
So I knew this day would come, that I would finally have to say goodbye, I love you Uncle Trev please tell Dad that I said hi.

Ye.

I ruin everything like a car crashing into a street light lamp pole I see it all crushing before my eyes and before I can stop myself the damage is already done and all that is left is carnage.
It’s like 2 kids and a Mother being hit by a truck what I mean is when we first started talking there was glimmer in the way he spoke, there was hope.
Every night when I said I’ll talk to you tomorrow? He would reply with definitely. Now all he says is ye or okay like all the hope and wanting to know me that was once there is now gone.
It’s gone because his gotten to know me now and his realised that I am more trouble then I am good.
I am just an empty glass that someone forgot to half fill.
I am nothing but problems and problems are all to well known to him for him to have to deal with mine.
So instead of definitely I get ye because he doesn’t deal in absolutes anymore now he knows the black cloud that’s hanging from me ear to ear.
All I get now is ye.

We Are Broken.

When I look into your eyes I see misery, misery meets company so when I say I want to see you today I don’t say it because I all of sudden love you I say it because I’m lonely and I know you are too.

I say it because my bed is a deep swirling hole of depression and if I don’t get up today and do my hair and make up will I ever?
I say it not to scare you or worry you but because when I’m with you time stops still for a few minutes and the anxiety I feel all day everyday stops for a second, when I’m lying with you I’m not counting the days we have left together because I know this isn’t a permanent situation or love sickingly thinking of names for our future Children I’m thinking this is nice, this is normal, I want to be normal… You make me feel normal.

Maybe your asking yourself why me? Why am I so important to you? What did you do to have to of been hand picked by me and to have to carry my burden and to that I simply say your broken, and so am I, and broken is my normal.

So when I say I feel comfortable with you it’s not because you kiss me softly and brush your hands between my tithes, it’s because when I look into your eyes I see me, I see sad, I see hurt, I see broken.

We are broken and when we touch sometimes we cut ourselves on each others sharp edges but I have always said that everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find the one worth suffering for.

But are you worth it? Am I? Maybe in the end we will end up more broken then whole again but I don’t mind because being broken with you is something I find comforting.
Because when your broken it already hurts so it doesn’t really matter anyways.

What I mean is it’s like seeing a half eaten burrito and remembering how slow it takes you to eat one.
What I mean is it’s like being called beautiful when your naked at 2 in the morning even though my body is hiding under the moon light and the sheets.
It’s like being told to move on multiple times verbally by you but being caught under your gaze when you kiss me.
It’s like all those things in once and to be honest it’s not something I can explain, so you’ll just have to take my word for it in this poem.

New Blog Page!

Hey everyone!!

I have made a new blog page for my Photography with some poems attached to them, please come over and follow me there as well as on here.

https://lifethroughthelensofrachael.wordpress.com/

Much Love! 🙂

Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.

I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

​

Hello Everyone!
There have been a few changes in my life since my last update on life, a couple of days ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
What this means is that my ovaries have cysts or follicles on my ovaries that rarely grow to maturity or produce eggs capable of being fertilised.
This in return can cause heavy or no periods, exessive hair growth on the face, neck, toes etc, pain with intercourse, abdominal pain, infertility, Insulin Resistance, acne, aniexty and depression and can cause the person to become overweight with little to no achievement of losing weight.

Finally after 5 years of battling with unexpected pain in my abdomen and with intercourse, on and off horrible cystic acne, insulin resistance, weight gain that doesn’t shift and kept going up, a weird period cycle and  4 different doctors, 3 different Gynecologists and 4 internal ultrasounds later I have been diagnosed!
You don’t understand how much of a relief that is to me.
I had been told that it was all in my head and because of suffering with OCD and aniexty it was easier for people to assume that it was all in my head.

The reason that my ultrasound didn’t pick up the cysts was because I was on the contraceptive pill but my left ovary was coming back as bulky. So my doctor asked me to stop taking the pill for a few months and then repeat the ultrasound. 
I almost gave up, I put off doing the ultrasound for months thinking it wasn’t important and that it would just come back like it always did with me having a bulky ovary but when I finally did get it done this time it was different, I had 13 cysts instead of the normal 8 and I finally went home with the diagnosis I knew I had all along Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

It wasn’t in anyway a good diagnosis but finally being told what I had suspected for years took so much pressure off my shoulders.

Everything started to make sense, you see from the moment I started my period at age 11 I started to gain weight, I started to get sick around the time of period and also experienced heavy periods and also had times were I would have prolonged bleeding that I would have to take medicine for to stop. I started to become depressed and later on in life became extremely anxious and panicky. I also developed Insulin Resistance and cystic acne.

When diagnosed with Insulin Resistance I was put on Metformin which funnily enough is one of the medications that treats Polycystic Ovary Syndrome to help people fall pregnant and help other nasty side effects of PCOS.
I have further testing to do by an Endocrinologist for my hormones and once that is done I will return to taking the contraceptive pill to help keep my period and pain in check.

Diet and exercise is an important part of treating and keeping your PCOS at bay so I will be looking into a low carb diet and some good excercise programs for people suffering with PCOS.

I have also been on Seroquel for my OCD dark thoughts which has also caused me to gain a massive 12 pounds and eat like an hippo! 
So I am currently slowly coming off it so I can have the best chance of losing weight and keeping it off for good!

If I keep taking Seroquel I would only be self savotaging myself.

In place of the Seroquel I will be taking a medication called Gabapentin which is a medication for nerve pain but can also be used off label for aniexty which I had used previously and it worked well.
I have found this new found confidence since being diagnosed too, I hadn’t been looking after myself and couldn’t be bothered dulling myself up because I thought I was just this fat girl that couldn’t lose weight so what was the point?
Yesterday I spontaneously decided to straighten my hair something I hadn’t done in a while and as I looked into the mirror I suddenly noticed this beautiful girl looking back at me and realised that even with the weight gain with just a little bit of effort I could be beautiful regardless.

I’ll keep you all updated in my future with PCOS and how I go with my dieting and excercise plans.
I hope this post has encouraged people having health problems not to give up, your diagnosis might be closer then you think!
Stay strong until another post,

 – Rach. ❤

When the devil calls my name.

​It’s really weird this feeling I feel the only way I can explain it is as if the devil has taken my soul and I can no longer uphold.

Like the devil himself said child you shall feel defeat as I lie in this bed feeling so fucking incomplete like something bad has taken my hand help me Father for I can not stand.

Alone I feel even though I’m loved this meds are strong but my brain is already fried enough. 

I want to smile for I have all I need but deep down inside I just feel so twisted and weak.

OCD might be my devil in disguise for all the thoughts I have leave me burrowed inside.

Completely shut off I feel like a freak I can be demanding and selfish, I can be hollow and weak. 

I stare at walls and blink like the wall has a meaning but it’s actually just me looking for healing.

Help me Father for I have sinned take the devil out and let me come in.

Be Your Own Hero.

Wow, how much I can relate to this image is scary.
I had some stuff come up this week that threw me on my ass and made me realise that the way I worded things can actually hurt someone if they are read out of context.
Even though what you wrote may not have been what you meant it to come off as, you don’t know how that person is feeling or thinking or is going to interpret that message and in the end it’s not really what you think you wrote that matters it’s what they think that matters.
You may of hurt that person by being too raw and getting too caught up in your feelings. That person may be feeling more than they are showing and just that one text is enough to take them go over the edge.
Please think about that the next time you go to tap send, please remember that the person behind that screen has feelings too and even though you’re struggling they may be struggling battles of their own.
Just leave it until you’re in person and they can hear your tone and see your facial expressions so you can explain yourself properly without their being any miscommunication.

In the end everyone is busy being their own heroes and I need to remember this for everyone is busy fighting there own battles and now it is time for me to stop expecting people who are doing everything they can to keep themselves alive to stop and help me fight mine.

It’s time to raise my shield, sharpen my swords and be my own hero for a change.

To the person I hurt with my words i am truly sorry.

Dear Depression.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Photos Taken By Me Thank You Beck For Allowing Me To Take Your Photo.

Dear Depression,

I’d introduce myself to you but I am pretty sure we know each other well enough, sure your not actively in my life anymore but as a teenager you seemed to be my only friend.

If I didn’t want to eat you wouldn’t force me, if I wanted to sleep you would sleep next to me, if I cried you would sit with me, if I wanted to die you would discuss the possibilities of how, if I cut you would tell me how deep, if I’d burn you’d control how long, if I was confused you would tell me how, if I got high you would make me numb, if I got drunk you’d be the burn I felt in my stomach and throat.

Yes it’s true you seemed like the only friend I had even though everything you dragged me through was essentially bad.

Though I’m older and more adult than before I still struggle with you at times and fall on the floor, and like you always do your dark embrace cuddles me there. I realise that being friends with you is something that I really shouldn’t reap.
Unfortunately though sometimes you swallow me hole and again I feel the emotions i felt once before.
When I was a 14-year-old girl trying to embrace the world, this time it’s different though I know the way you work so for a while I may fall under your demise but I promise you this old friend I will not fall within the abyss.

I will not let you take my hands, I will get up when you want me to sleep again, I will eat the food on my plate and this time I will keep it down and not vomit it up to lose some weight.
My skin is far too delicate to cut or burn so put that lighter and razor down there is no need to feel the burn.
I don’t need someone to cry with for I have true friends that cry with me and take my hands, they listen to me and comfort me too but they don’t have the harsh intentions, that was only you.

Depression you see it is time for me to say Goodbye to you, You may of succeed when it came to other people’s battles but for me you won’t do.

If your or someone you know is suffering with Depression please contact Beyond Blue on – 1300 22 4636