Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.

When the devil calls my name.

​It’s really weird this feeling I feel the only way I can explain it is as if the devil has taken my soul and I can no longer uphold.

Like the devil himself said child you shall feel defeat as I lie in this bed feeling so fucking incomplete like something bad has taken my hand help me Father for I can not stand.

Alone I feel even though I’m loved this meds are strong but my brain is already fried enough. 

I want to smile for I have all I need but deep down inside I just feel so twisted and weak.

OCD might be my devil in disguise for all the thoughts I have leave me burrowed inside.

Completely shut off I feel like a freak I can be demanding and selfish, I can be hollow and weak. 

I stare at walls and blink like the wall has a meaning but it’s actually just me looking for healing.

Help me Father for I have sinned take the devil out and let me come in.

A Hell Of A Technique.

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Hello fellow Blogster and Readers,

This Monday I am going to let you in on a clever little technique a friend of mine found last week that has really been helping me with my intrusive thoughts.
Above is the image she forwarded to me and whilst reading it I remember thinking to myself “shit this is actually something really special here” and i knew from the minute i read it that it could be a game changer for me thought wise.
I do think a lot of negative things about myself but I also have intrusive dark thoughts about the people I really care about and it’s not me being nasty or anything, It’s just a fleeting thought I may think about someone in a heated argument or my brain plays tricks on me then I will think to myself stuff like what if I thought that about someone I loved? Then I’d think about me saying it then i’ll reasure myself that it’s just a thought and thoughts aren’t fact and then a vicious cycle of OCD and self hate starts.
Using this technique really helps to separate my OCD thoughts from myself which helps me dismiss the thought and not hold on and obsess over it with thoughts like “I am such a bad person” “how could anyone love me?” “If they knew what I was thinking they would hate me” “I don’t deserve love” “They need to know what I thought” “Your horrible person” “Why would you think that?” etc, etc, etc.
OCD is not something you can help it’s not something you can just ignore or turn off, it’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and it’s something that unfortunately sufferers like me have to learn to live with through techniques and sometimes medication.

Another exciting thing happened last week, I got my tattoos to remind me that when I have a bad thought that “It’s just a thought” and that “Thoughts aren’t fact.” They are still healing at the moment but I love them and love knowing that if I have a thought bugging me I can just look down and remember these simple yet powerful words.

I really hope me sharing on this information helps someone suffering out there like it did for me and hey, at least Donald Trump is good for something right?

Until next week, Rach. ❤

Monday Weekly Blogs.

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Lately I have been very active blogging wise, and I really want to get my blog out there and known.
My Mental Health is getting a lot better and i regularly think about blogging all the time lately.
So I have decided that when I write a blog I am not going to post it straight away like I normally do, but schedule them for Monday’s at 1pm.
I hope my former blogsters and future ones will stick with me on this journey of discovery in the world and mind of someone who lives with OCD/Aniexty/Depression and Panic on a day to day basis and how you can get through it and successed no matter how lost you are. I have come a long way since when i started blogging and this is just the beginning my loves.

I know Monday’s are hard and tedious so maybe reading my blog each Monday will give you all something to look forward too!

Until then, – Rach. ❤

Don’t become who hurt you

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Oh how i know this feeling well and have been struggling with it a lot lately, i don’t know if many of you know but i had a falling out with someone who was my Bestfriend 3 weeks ago. She was the one who i dated for a year and the one i fell apart into an anxious mess about.

Let me start from the beginning, I met this girl after i had been through a tough break up with my ex fiancée at the time and being Bisexual i was intrested in pursuing girls for change. We went to school together before i re met her at a TAFE course we both started. I knew she was an out the closet Lesbian and i knew she could teach me a thing or too so i started talking to her, i added her on Facebook and she invited me to her place to watch movies. I told her straight up that i wasn’t looking for anything serious to come from us i just wanted to goof around and she was fine with that. Unfortunately a few days later after hanging out i realised that i had feelings for her that run deeper then the ocean and lit a fire within me that i couldn’t ignore. I told her and she agreed that she had feelings aswell, expect she lied..
You see she had a way of keeping people who came close to her by persuing them sexually but not really having that romantic feeling for them. For about a year i was lend on by ‘i love you don’t ever leave me’s to i never really loved you i only see you as a friend’s.’ This happened over and over again and i kept stupidly coming back again and again. I became extremely anxious so much so that i was waking up in panic attacks and shaking so unbearably I’d vomit. I couldn’t spend an hour not speaking to her without thinking the worst. Eventually we broke up again and then never got back together, i was still sick as a dog and we stayed Bestfriends so much so we acted just like we did when we dated minus the intimate part. For some stupid reason i still held on so strong to the idea she would love me again but she never did. As i wrapped myself deeper and deeper into that thought evenually she met someone and decided to get into a relationship resulting in me panicking more because i was going to lose her and her doing the exact same thing to this other girl as she did to me. Except this time she only broke her heart once because i was there to stop her from hurting this poor girl beyond no return like she did me. Of course i know she didn’t mean to hurt people she had been through a lot in her life that i soon came to realise as to why she was the way she was. Our friendship was hard to deal with and we fought constantly and screamed at eachother daily, something that i didn’t do often to the people i really loved and cared about and it was turning me into something i didn’t like and begged and pleaded with her for us to stop doing but it never fixed anything. You see i learn’t that even if you want something so badly it hurts and your willing to change for that person you still can’t make them change if they don’t see a problem in there behavior.

I started to get better with countless medication changes i finally found the one that worked for me and i met new people which lead me to lessen my obsession on her, which in turn made her rather jealous.

Fast forward to now and we had a fight as i said about 3 weeks ago over her trying to get onto one of my closest friends whom i told her was definitely off the cards and was a big no, no in my books. I forgave her once for doing it but when she tried a second time my trust for her became to wear.
By the way the girl who she tried to be intimate with has a Boyfriend which only made the situation worse for the whole 4 of us.

The whole point of this blog though is to explain that even though that person is now gone from my life and we aren’t screaming and yelling at eachother every day i still can show that bad quality side to the people i care about and lash out for no reason, it’s going to be a hard habit to break but when i came across the picture above on Facebook it kind of put what i am going through into perspective for me.

– Don’t become who hurt you, just because they hurt you like that doesn’t mean you need to punish others like it. Rise above all that hatred and anger, write this off as a lesson and move on.

When you like one of your Best Friends.

It becomes a big deal to like someone when suffering from Panic Disorder/OCD and Adult Separation Anxiety because telling them is not just a single fear of what rejection would be like, it’s rehearsing the way your going to tell that person 10 times in your head.

it’s getting anxiety over the butterflies you feel when they walk past you because you know that getting the butterflies means becoming vulnerable as heck!

It means that your judgment will  be called upon and sometimes your judgement and gut feeling isn’t always right which is hard in itself  to accept because then you start to truly believe that your mind has stranded you in some kind of deserted desert and has left you for dead.

Kind of like getting a tour guide to show you around a Foreign Country then detouring and leaving you in a place that isn’t on the map therefore leaving you to fend and struggle your way out of a place you have never seen let alone been before.

It means listening to the negative thoughts of OCD nagging you in the background of your mind telling you that your not good enough, that maybe if you lost some weight that they might feel the same way about you and you wouldn’t even have to tell them because they would approach you first or that your just not that pretty anyways so why are you even going there?!

It’s being rejected and then walking on egg shells because every crunch that the egg shells make under your feet causes the person to hear you and then they turn and look to see what the sound was and there you are struggling and god be damned if they catch you crying!

It’s the real fear and possibility of losing that person because they may not like you back causing things to become awkward and uncomfortable for the both of you, but that’s the risk your meant to take right?

If that person really is worth any of your time you should be able to tell them everything and anything yeah?

Relationships have up and downs as do friendships, if you are truly meant to be in each others lives then telling them you like them isn’t going to come between the two of you.

Being silly around each other isn’t something you will be judged on, if anything that person should laugh and throw a silly face back at you!

You shouldn’t feel worried that your being looked down upon when your with someone who is a close friend to you, you guys should feel as equal to each other and be able to relate to each other.

So something so little as to say “hey i have feelings for you.” Shouldn’t get in the way of the friendship you have with that person and being in a relationship is really just being a best friend to someone but also having that desire to want to annoy them and be with them for the rest of your days.

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Sorry!

Hey guys!

I feel like i owe you all an apology because i was meant to of been writing daily blogs about the small steps i have done each day and keeping you up to date with my lactose free and wheat free diet and i haven’t!

I have no excuse for why i haven’t been writing them other then i have just been too lazy to even do the steps, my life has literally consisted of bad food and laying in bed binge watching tv series on Netflix. I just haven’t had the motivation to do much of anything lately! I have however am still going strong with the lactose free diet which seems to be working great, i no longer wake up feeling sick as a dog except on rare occasions now.

My panic disorder has decreased which has been fantastic! I have been thinking of things to do to get out more where a couple of months ago i would dread even thinking about going outside. I have decided that i am going to take a creative writing course next month and possibly attend a visual arts course next year if i am still feeling upto it.

I have to change my anti depresents soon which is something i am so not looking forward to! I am currently on Zoloft and Seroquel but have been told that because i don’t have schizophrenia that i am unable to claim the Seroquel on PBS anymore, Why i could before i have no idea! This really sucks because this combo has been doing wonders for me and now i have to change it all up. I am thinking of trying Mirtazapine because it has the tiredness side effect like Seroquel but it also helps with other conditions like Zoloft does in terms of OCD, Depression, Aniexty, PTSD, Panic Disorder etc. Plus it has no nasty sexual side effects which is definitely a thumbs up for me.

I have decided that instead of writing a blog everyday about my small steps i am going to write a big blog once a week on my achievements and how my mental health and diet is going. So if you would like to stick around for that please feel free to subscribe! Also if anyone has tried Mirtazapine for OCD, aniexty and panic disorders let me know how you went in the comments below.

Until then, take care and thanks for reading. 🙂