Photos Taken By Me Thank You Beck For Allowing Me To Take Your Photo.
I’d introduce myself to you but I am pretty sure we know each other well enough, sure your not actively in my life anymore but as a teenager you seemed to be my only friend.
If I didn’t want to eat you wouldn’t force me, if I wanted to sleep you would sleep next to me, if I cried you would sit with me, if I wanted to die you would discuss the possibilities of how, if I cut you would tell me how deep, if I’d burn you’d control how long, if I was confused you would tell me how, if I got high you would make me numb, if I got drunk you’d be the burn I felt in my stomach and throat.
Yes it’s true you seemed like the only friend I had even though everything you dragged me through was essentially bad.
Though I’m older and more adult than before I still struggle with you at times and fall on the floor, and like you always do your dark embrace cuddles me there. I realise that being friends with you is something that I really shouldn’t reap.
Unfortunately though sometimes you swallow me hole and again I feel the emotions i felt once before.
When I was a 14-year-old girl trying to embrace the world, this time it’s different though I know the way you work so for a while I may fall under your demise but I promise you this old friend I will not fall within the abyss.
I will not let you take my hands, I will get up when you want me to sleep again, I will eat the food on my plate and this time I will keep it down and not vomit it up to lose some weight.
My skin is far too delicate to cut or burn so put that lighter and razor down there is no need to feel the burn.
I don’t need someone to cry with for I have true friends that cry with me and take my hands, they listen to me and comfort me too but they don’t have the harsh intentions, that was only you.
Depression you see it is time for me to say Goodbye to you, You may of succeed when it came to other people’s battles but for me you won’t do.
If your or someone you know is suffering with Depression please contact Beyond Blue on – 1300 22 4636
Lately I have been very active blogging wise, and I really want to get my blog out there and known.
My Mental Health is getting a lot better and i regularly think about blogging all the time lately.
So I have decided that when I write a blog I am not going to post it straight away like I normally do, but schedule them for Monday’s at 1pm.
I hope my former blogsters and future ones will stick with me on this journey of discovery in the world and mind of someone who lives with OCD/Aniexty/Depression and Panic on a day to day basis and how you can get through it and successed no matter how lost you are. I have come a long way since when i started blogging and this is just the beginning my loves.
I know Monday’s are hard and tedious so maybe reading my blog each Monday will give you all something to look forward too!
Until then, – Rach. ❤
Oh how i know this feeling well and have been struggling with it a lot lately, i don’t know if many of you know but i had a falling out with someone who was my Bestfriend 3 weeks ago. She was the one who i dated for a year and the one i fell apart into an anxious mess about.
Let me start from the beginning, I met this girl after i had been through a tough break up with my ex fiancée at the time and being Bisexual i was intrested in pursuing girls for change. We went to school together before i re met her at a TAFE course we both started. I knew she was an out the closet Lesbian and i knew she could teach me a thing or too so i started talking to her, i added her on Facebook and she invited me to her place to watch movies. I told her straight up that i wasn’t looking for anything serious to come from us i just wanted to goof around and she was fine with that. Unfortunately a few days later after hanging out i realised that i had feelings for her that run deeper then the ocean and lit a fire within me that i couldn’t ignore. I told her and she agreed that she had feelings aswell, expect she lied..
You see she had a way of keeping people who came close to her by persuing them sexually but not really having that romantic feeling for them. For about a year i was lend on by ‘i love you don’t ever leave me’s to i never really loved you i only see you as a friend’s.’ This happened over and over again and i kept stupidly coming back again and again. I became extremely anxious so much so that i was waking up in panic attacks and shaking so unbearably I’d vomit. I couldn’t spend an hour not speaking to her without thinking the worst. Eventually we broke up again and then never got back together, i was still sick as a dog and we stayed Bestfriends so much so we acted just like we did when we dated minus the intimate part. For some stupid reason i still held on so strong to the idea she would love me again but she never did. As i wrapped myself deeper and deeper into that thought evenually she met someone and decided to get into a relationship resulting in me panicking more because i was going to lose her and her doing the exact same thing to this other girl as she did to me. Except this time she only broke her heart once because i was there to stop her from hurting this poor girl beyond no return like she did me. Of course i know she didn’t mean to hurt people she had been through a lot in her life that i soon came to realise as to why she was the way she was. Our friendship was hard to deal with and we fought constantly and screamed at eachother daily, something that i didn’t do often to the people i really loved and cared about and it was turning me into something i didn’t like and begged and pleaded with her for us to stop doing but it never fixed anything. You see i learn’t that even if you want something so badly it hurts and your willing to change for that person you still can’t make them change if they don’t see a problem in there behavior.
I started to get better with countless medication changes i finally found the one that worked for me and i met new people which lead me to lessen my obsession on her, which in turn made her rather jealous.
Fast forward to now and we had a fight as i said about 3 weeks ago over her trying to get onto one of my closest friends whom i told her was definitely off the cards and was a big no, no in my books. I forgave her once for doing it but when she tried a second time my trust for her became to wear.
By the way the girl who she tried to be intimate with has a Boyfriend which only made the situation worse for the whole 4 of us.
The whole point of this blog though is to explain that even though that person is now gone from my life and we aren’t screaming and yelling at eachother every day i still can show that bad quality side to the people i care about and lash out for no reason, it’s going to be a hard habit to break but when i came across the picture above on Facebook it kind of put what i am going through into perspective for me.
– Don’t become who hurt you, just because they hurt you like that doesn’t mean you need to punish others like it. Rise above all that hatred and anger, write this off as a lesson and move on.
I know the saying “jealousy is a curse” but i can’t deny that every time i see you two together i want to burst, into a million pieces on the floor. My jealously is like fire burning in my chest and head it’s deadly like a snake but red and beautiful like a sunset. Everything about it from the outside seems sweet and calm but when you look in deeper it’s like being dragged into hell all around. Burning, stinging the devil has it’s way he controls your emotions and makes you feel insane. It’s like you have no say in what you feel or do, this overwelming feeling of anger and jealously controls and consumes you. Rage, anger, bittersweet this feeling i feel i won’t let it be defeat, i won’t let the devil take my hand and drag me in too deep. I am stronger then this feeling it’s true, i will not let it be what controls you. This is not what will keep our friendship tight, time to say goodbye to that jealous mind that whispears to you those dark black lies. I won’t let this jealousy get the better of me.
So lastnight wasn’t the best of nights and i decided to blog about it, why you ask? Because i felt like it would be a good way to explain how i feel when experiencing panic, fear, ocd type thoughts. I also felt it would be good for me to be able to look back at those blogs lets say a year from now and understand and appreciate how far i have truely come.
Although lastnight was not full blown panic which is good news because it means i am getting more control over these awful things! I still wanted to share the thoughts that were in my head and how being in a panic literally drains the positive side out of me.
To try and control the panic i decided to go to bed and listen to affirmations which helped clear the bad ocd type of thoughts and made me listen to the positive ones. I hadn’t tried this technique before and i was surprised that it did indeed help at calming me and it did help me from not going into a full blown panic attack. You can get affirmation apps from the Google Play Store or the Itunes Store, i will link the app i used lastnight.
I hope that this blog can help someone out and they get something out of the affirmations app like i did. Let me know in the comments below if you try it and how it goes for you.
I’m writing you this to remind you that you are NOT allowed to give up! This is your logic thoughts speaking and i am telling you now i have seen you go through absolute hell and back and you survived! You are a strong individual and you will not let a break up break you! You have survived serve depression, bullying, OCD and your dad dying suddenly, you will not let this break you! This is not the end! Life goes on and you will feel better again. You will find yourself again, you will be you again! This anxiety will not win! You are strong, you are independent, you don’t need anyone to complete you! You will find what you love in life and you will succeed and be happy again. You will have children with the one that was made for you, everything will come together i assure you! You just need to be strong and not give up!
This is an entry from my diary i wrote when i was feeling like i was coming to the end of my rope, i decided to tie a knot at the end and hold on! I hope you enjoy the readings of my mind.