I ruin everything like a car crashing into a street light lamp pole I see it all crushing before my eyes and before I can stop myself the damage is already done and all that is left is carnage.
It’s like 2 kids and a Mother being hit by a truck what I mean is when we first started talking there was glimmer in the way he spoke, there was hope.
Every night when I said I’ll talk to you tomorrow? He would reply with definitely. Now all he says is ye or okay like all the hope and wanting to know me that was once there is now gone.
It’s gone because his gotten to know me now and his realised that I am more trouble then I am good.
I am just an empty glass that someone forgot to half fill.
I am nothing but problems and problems are all to well known to him for him to have to deal with mine.
So instead of definitely I get ye because he doesn’t deal in absolutes anymore now he knows the black cloud that’s hanging from me ear to ear.
All I get now is ye.
It’s really weird this feeling I feel the only way I can explain it is as if the devil has taken my soul and I can no longer uphold.
Like the devil himself said child you shall feel defeat as I lie in this bed feeling so fucking incomplete like something bad has taken my hand help me Father for I can not stand.
Alone I feel even though I’m loved this meds are strong but my brain is already fried enough.
I want to smile for I have all I need but deep down inside I just feel so twisted and weak.
OCD might be my devil in disguise for all the thoughts I have leave me burrowed inside.
Completely shut off I feel like a freak I can be demanding and selfish, I can be hollow and weak.
I stare at walls and blink like the wall has a meaning but it’s actually just me looking for healing.
Help me Father for I have sinned take the devil out and let me come in.
Lately I have been very active blogging wise, and I really want to get my blog out there and known.
My Mental Health is getting a lot better and i regularly think about blogging all the time lately.
So I have decided that when I write a blog I am not going to post it straight away like I normally do, but schedule them for Monday’s at 1pm.
I hope my former blogsters and future ones will stick with me on this journey of discovery in the world and mind of someone who lives with OCD/Aniexty/Depression and Panic on a day to day basis and how you can get through it and successed no matter how lost you are. I have come a long way since when i started blogging and this is just the beginning my loves.
I know Monday’s are hard and tedious so maybe reading my blog each Monday will give you all something to look forward too!
Until then, – Rach. ❤
Oh how i know this feeling well and have been struggling with it a lot lately, i don’t know if many of you know but i had a falling out with someone who was my Bestfriend 3 weeks ago. She was the one who i dated for a year and the one i fell apart into an anxious mess about.
Let me start from the beginning, I met this girl after i had been through a tough break up with my ex fiancée at the time and being Bisexual i was intrested in pursuing girls for change. We went to school together before i re met her at a TAFE course we both started. I knew she was an out the closet Lesbian and i knew she could teach me a thing or too so i started talking to her, i added her on Facebook and she invited me to her place to watch movies. I told her straight up that i wasn’t looking for anything serious to come from us i just wanted to goof around and she was fine with that. Unfortunately a few days later after hanging out i realised that i had feelings for her that run deeper then the ocean and lit a fire within me that i couldn’t ignore. I told her and she agreed that she had feelings aswell, expect she lied..
You see she had a way of keeping people who came close to her by persuing them sexually but not really having that romantic feeling for them. For about a year i was lend on by ‘i love you don’t ever leave me’s to i never really loved you i only see you as a friend’s.’ This happened over and over again and i kept stupidly coming back again and again. I became extremely anxious so much so that i was waking up in panic attacks and shaking so unbearably I’d vomit. I couldn’t spend an hour not speaking to her without thinking the worst. Eventually we broke up again and then never got back together, i was still sick as a dog and we stayed Bestfriends so much so we acted just like we did when we dated minus the intimate part. For some stupid reason i still held on so strong to the idea she would love me again but she never did. As i wrapped myself deeper and deeper into that thought evenually she met someone and decided to get into a relationship resulting in me panicking more because i was going to lose her and her doing the exact same thing to this other girl as she did to me. Except this time she only broke her heart once because i was there to stop her from hurting this poor girl beyond no return like she did me. Of course i know she didn’t mean to hurt people she had been through a lot in her life that i soon came to realise as to why she was the way she was. Our friendship was hard to deal with and we fought constantly and screamed at eachother daily, something that i didn’t do often to the people i really loved and cared about and it was turning me into something i didn’t like and begged and pleaded with her for us to stop doing but it never fixed anything. You see i learn’t that even if you want something so badly it hurts and your willing to change for that person you still can’t make them change if they don’t see a problem in there behavior.
I started to get better with countless medication changes i finally found the one that worked for me and i met new people which lead me to lessen my obsession on her, which in turn made her rather jealous.
Fast forward to now and we had a fight as i said about 3 weeks ago over her trying to get onto one of my closest friends whom i told her was definitely off the cards and was a big no, no in my books. I forgave her once for doing it but when she tried a second time my trust for her became to wear.
By the way the girl who she tried to be intimate with has a Boyfriend which only made the situation worse for the whole 4 of us.
The whole point of this blog though is to explain that even though that person is now gone from my life and we aren’t screaming and yelling at eachother every day i still can show that bad quality side to the people i care about and lash out for no reason, it’s going to be a hard habit to break but when i came across the picture above on Facebook it kind of put what i am going through into perspective for me.
– Don’t become who hurt you, just because they hurt you like that doesn’t mean you need to punish others like it. Rise above all that hatred and anger, write this off as a lesson and move on.
I’ve never written a love blog without it being sad, for some reason i feel like i can only write well if i am depressed or having an episode of panic or ocd.
Recently i re met a guy from School whom i have grown to adore greatly and we are now officially dating. – This one is for you babe.
As i lay here in my bed i listen to all the words rushing through my head. I go over and over our last embrace the warmth of your skin brushing upon my face. Your lips so soft which make mine quiver the smell of your cologne left on my bed sheets. As i lay here i imagine you and i, how we will be after awhile. When the Honeymoon period is over and we go back to being us will you still long for me like i long for us?
Will you still see me the way i see you? Will you still love me? I know I’ll always love you!
It feels like i have known you for entirety when i close my eyes i can see a little you and i.
Running around in clothes painted blue I’m thinking we could maybe have a Family of two.
I want you to be the one i always come too, whenever i am feeling blue. So you can hug me and calm me and tell me it’s alright, i know i can trust you, i know this feeling is right.
You are the one they talk about in the books ‘the happily ever after’ the ways and the looks.
Although we live a fair distance away know that i think about you every single day.
Please tell me you feel these things too?
Believe me when i say this,
I am in love with you!
Lately i have so many unanswered questions about life, relationships and the need to always want someone.
Being in a relationship for 5 years has really caused me to feel like being independent is a massive struggle. Not having someone to sleep next to at night or someone to go to with all my problems or suggestions or just generally not having the feeling of someone liking you back is really just keeping me down. I think i go to the people i am closest to for the need of love hoping they will feel something for me just because the need to feel loved and secure is so strong! Even though i know that for me to succeed in life is to become independent and to not need a man or woman in my life so much so that if i did have one and the relationship went sour my life wouldn’t come crashing down beneath my feet like my last relationship did.
So whilst struggling through my problem i was on Facebook and was scrolling down in my newsfeed as we all do and saw this picture that i have posted above. There is something comforting i found wrapped within the words of the picture that really made me stop and think the reason that people are politely rejecting my offer to be there girlfriend is because they know that the time isn’t right for me and because i am wanting them for all the wrong reasons. Yes something may be there for us in the future but i am really not ready in myself to be in a relationship again. I NEED to learn to love myself and to find comfort in me before i date again, i just really wish i knew how to do it.. How do you be independent when you crave such comfort in the love and support of another? Something puzzling that i am having problems with this week.
Look at that girl, she looks so depressed living in a world that is just a complete mess. Lying, crying, she feels like she’s dying, dying for a world that is more beautiful then this, because this world is a disaster, a category 10 mess. She wonders and ponders where is a world full of wonder? Where is a world where we don’t have to compete against eachother? Where is a world where we respect what one another have to say? Where is a world where it’s okay to be gay? Where is a world where children don’t starve? Where is a world were it is okay to be who you truely are? Where we can help, support and love eachother? Instead of throwing nuclear bombs at one another. Where is a world where money isn’t a bother and instead you could get clothes on your back for only a dollar? Where is world where we all bleed red? Regardless of our skin colour or what’s between our legs. Our sexual preference isn’t up to you, so why act like it’s something that is hurting you? Where is a world where we hug one and other? Instead of avoiding eye contact with someone who is crying because they just lost there mother. Where is a world where we help for free? Instead of being money hungry for something we can’t even see. Why are we all so blind to see? That it’s not the world’s fault it’s actually we.
Come on people it can’t just be me? Take some fucking responsibility!