Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.

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I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.


Hello Everyone!
There have been a few changes in my life since my last update on life, a couple of days ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
What this means is that my ovaries have cysts or follicles on my ovaries that rarely grow to maturity or produce eggs capable of being fertilised.
This in return can cause heavy or no periods, exessive hair growth on the face, neck, toes etc, pain with intercourse, abdominal pain, infertility, Insulin Resistance, acne, aniexty and depression and can cause the person to become overweight with little to no achievement of losing weight.

Finally after 5 years of battling with unexpected pain in my abdomen and with intercourse, on and off horrible cystic acne, insulin resistance, weight gain that doesn’t shift and kept going up, a weird period cycle and  4 different doctors, 3 different Gynecologists and 4 internal ultrasounds later I have been diagnosed!
You don’t understand how much of a relief that is to me.
I had been told that it was all in my head and because of suffering with OCD and aniexty it was easier for people to assume that it was all in my head.

The reason that my ultrasound didn’t pick up the cysts was because I was on the contraceptive pill but my left ovary was coming back as bulky. So my doctor asked me to stop taking the pill for a few months and then repeat the ultrasound. 
I almost gave up, I put off doing the ultrasound for months thinking it wasn’t important and that it would just come back like it always did with me having a bulky ovary but when I finally did get it done this time it was different, I had 13 cysts instead of the normal 8 and I finally went home with the diagnosis I knew I had all along Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

It wasn’t in anyway a good diagnosis but finally being told what I had suspected for years took so much pressure off my shoulders.

Everything started to make sense, you see from the moment I started my period at age 11 I started to gain weight, I started to get sick around the time of period and also experienced heavy periods and also had times were I would have prolonged bleeding that I would have to take medicine for to stop. I started to become depressed and later on in life became extremely anxious and panicky. I also developed Insulin Resistance and cystic acne.

When diagnosed with Insulin Resistance I was put on Metformin which funnily enough is one of the medications that treats Polycystic Ovary Syndrome to help people fall pregnant and help other nasty side effects of PCOS.
I have further testing to do by an Endocrinologist for my hormones and once that is done I will return to taking the contraceptive pill to help keep my period and pain in check.

Diet and exercise is an important part of treating and keeping your PCOS at bay so I will be looking into a low carb diet and some good excercise programs for people suffering with PCOS.

I have also been on Seroquel for my OCD dark thoughts which has also caused me to gain a massive 12 pounds and eat like an hippo! 
So I am currently slowly coming off it so I can have the best chance of losing weight and keeping it off for good!

If I keep taking Seroquel I would only be self savotaging myself.

In place of the Seroquel I will be taking a medication called Gabapentin which is a medication for nerve pain but can also be used off label for aniexty which I had used previously and it worked well.
I have found this new found confidence since being diagnosed too, I hadn’t been looking after myself and couldn’t be bothered dulling myself up because I thought I was just this fat girl that couldn’t lose weight so what was the point?
Yesterday I spontaneously decided to straighten my hair something I hadn’t done in a while and as I looked into the mirror I suddenly noticed this beautiful girl looking back at me and realised that even with the weight gain with just a little bit of effort I could be beautiful regardless.

I’ll keep you all updated in my future with PCOS and how I go with my dieting and excercise plans.
I hope this post has encouraged people having health problems not to give up, your diagnosis might be closer then you think!
Stay strong until another post,

 – Rach. ❤

Monday Weekly Blogs.

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Lately I have been very active blogging wise, and I really want to get my blog out there and known.
My Mental Health is getting a lot better and i regularly think about blogging all the time lately.
So I have decided that when I write a blog I am not going to post it straight away like I normally do, but schedule them for Monday’s at 1pm.
I hope my former blogsters and future ones will stick with me on this journey of discovery in the world and mind of someone who lives with OCD/Aniexty/Depression and Panic on a day to day basis and how you can get through it and successed no matter how lost you are. I have come a long way since when i started blogging and this is just the beginning my loves.

I know Monday’s are hard and tedious so maybe reading my blog each Monday will give you all something to look forward too!

Until then, – Rach. ❤

Don’t become who hurt you

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Oh how i know this feeling well and have been struggling with it a lot lately, i don’t know if many of you know but i had a falling out with someone who was my Bestfriend 3 weeks ago. She was the one who i dated for a year and the one i fell apart into an anxious mess about.

Let me start from the beginning, I met this girl after i had been through a tough break up with my ex fiancée at the time and being Bisexual i was intrested in pursuing girls for change. We went to school together before i re met her at a TAFE course we both started. I knew she was an out the closet Lesbian and i knew she could teach me a thing or too so i started talking to her, i added her on Facebook and she invited me to her place to watch movies. I told her straight up that i wasn’t looking for anything serious to come from us i just wanted to goof around and she was fine with that. Unfortunately a few days later after hanging out i realised that i had feelings for her that run deeper then the ocean and lit a fire within me that i couldn’t ignore. I told her and she agreed that she had feelings aswell, expect she lied..
You see she had a way of keeping people who came close to her by persuing them sexually but not really having that romantic feeling for them. For about a year i was lend on by ‘i love you don’t ever leave me’s to i never really loved you i only see you as a friend’s.’ This happened over and over again and i kept stupidly coming back again and again. I became extremely anxious so much so that i was waking up in panic attacks and shaking so unbearably I’d vomit. I couldn’t spend an hour not speaking to her without thinking the worst. Eventually we broke up again and then never got back together, i was still sick as a dog and we stayed Bestfriends so much so we acted just like we did when we dated minus the intimate part. For some stupid reason i still held on so strong to the idea she would love me again but she never did. As i wrapped myself deeper and deeper into that thought evenually she met someone and decided to get into a relationship resulting in me panicking more because i was going to lose her and her doing the exact same thing to this other girl as she did to me. Except this time she only broke her heart once because i was there to stop her from hurting this poor girl beyond no return like she did me. Of course i know she didn’t mean to hurt people she had been through a lot in her life that i soon came to realise as to why she was the way she was. Our friendship was hard to deal with and we fought constantly and screamed at eachother daily, something that i didn’t do often to the people i really loved and cared about and it was turning me into something i didn’t like and begged and pleaded with her for us to stop doing but it never fixed anything. You see i learn’t that even if you want something so badly it hurts and your willing to change for that person you still can’t make them change if they don’t see a problem in there behavior.

I started to get better with countless medication changes i finally found the one that worked for me and i met new people which lead me to lessen my obsession on her, which in turn made her rather jealous.

Fast forward to now and we had a fight as i said about 3 weeks ago over her trying to get onto one of my closest friends whom i told her was definitely off the cards and was a big no, no in my books. I forgave her once for doing it but when she tried a second time my trust for her became to wear.
By the way the girl who she tried to be intimate with has a Boyfriend which only made the situation worse for the whole 4 of us.

The whole point of this blog though is to explain that even though that person is now gone from my life and we aren’t screaming and yelling at eachother every day i still can show that bad quality side to the people i care about and lash out for no reason, it’s going to be a hard habit to break but when i came across the picture above on Facebook it kind of put what i am going through into perspective for me.

– Don’t become who hurt you, just because they hurt you like that doesn’t mean you need to punish others like it. Rise above all that hatred and anger, write this off as a lesson and move on.

Welcome Back!

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Hey everyone! It’s Rach i know it has been months and months since i posted a blog and i was sitting here going through my old blogs and decided to update you all on my ocd/panic journey.

It is with great delight that i can inform you guys that i am doing SO much better!
My medication has been changed to 50mg of Seroquel each night and 40mg of Lexapro and to be completely honest with you guys i couldn’t feel better!
I haven’t experienced a full on panic attack like i used to in months!!!!
I have been seeing a new Psychologist who has been helping me tackle my pure OCD thoughts and panic head on and that plus the right medication has been doing absolute wonders for me!
Yeah i still have my sad times and i still may panic and get stuck in and OCD loop but they aren’t nearly as bad as what i was going through when i first started writing to you all on here!
I am wanting to document my Phycologist techquies and help people out who maybe struggling like i was so please subscribe and keep a close eye on this space! Thank you all for sticking by me whilst i fought out this tough period in my life!
I thought it would kill me before i got through this but guess what i am still alive and i am stronger then ever!

Dear Rachael.

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21/06/15

I’m writing you this to remind you that you are NOT allowed to give up! This is your logic thoughts speaking and i am telling you now i have seen you go through absolute hell and back and you survived! You are a strong individual and you will not let a break up break you! You have survived serve depression, bullying, OCD and your dad dying suddenly, you will not let this break you! This is not the end! Life goes on and you will feel better again. You will find yourself again, you will be you again! This anxiety will not win! You are strong, you are independent, you don’t need anyone to complete you! You will find what you love in life and you will succeed and be happy again. You will have children with the one that was made for you, everything will come together i assure you! You just need to be strong and not give up! 

This is an entry from my diary i wrote when i was feeling like i was coming to the end of my rope, i decided to tie a knot at the end and hold on! I hope you enjoy the readings of my mind.