Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.

Monday Weekly Blogs.

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Lately I have been very active blogging wise, and I really want to get my blog out there and known.
My Mental Health is getting a lot better and i regularly think about blogging all the time lately.
So I have decided that when I write a blog I am not going to post it straight away like I normally do, but schedule them for Monday’s at 1pm.
I hope my former blogsters and future ones will stick with me on this journey of discovery in the world and mind of someone who lives with OCD/Aniexty/Depression and Panic on a day to day basis and how you can get through it and successed no matter how lost you are. I have come a long way since when i started blogging and this is just the beginning my loves.

I know Monday’s are hard and tedious so maybe reading my blog each Monday will give you all something to look forward too!

Until then, – Rach. ❤

Today’s Step.

14/09/15

This morning i woke up and felt very panicky, noone was home and i normally would go into full blown panic and ring my mum or my best friend crying. Today i decided to keep calm have some medication and go to sleep. I used helpful self talk strategies until i fell asleep and read positive affirmations.

Panic Attack.

Right now i feel like i took a massive step too fast and it is coming back on me and overwhelming me ten fold and i am panicking, and every bad, stupid, shitty thought is racing through my head and it’s on repeat in a loop. I have all these unanswered questions that come up when i feel like this, questions that shouldn’t bother me but they are right now! This is too overwhelming and too much! I feel like vomiting and crying and screaming and dying all at the same time! How the hell am i meant to get through this? Who am i kidding!? I thought i was okay with this i thought i would be okay but it is absolutely killing me seeing and reading things that i couldn’t and now i can and it’s driving me insane! I just wish everything was okay, i wish i could jump over this hurdle and everything just be normal and how it should be not this shit fear, panic, anxiety, ocd crap!

I want to be happy!

I want to have a life!

I want to feel normal!

I want to be accepting of what i cannot change!

I want to smile without the pain!

I want to be able to love again!

I want to be able to stop the pain!

I want to not care anymore!

I want to forgive!

I want to live!

I want to be fearless!

But i can’t.