Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.

When the devil calls my name.

​It’s really weird this feeling I feel the only way I can explain it is as if the devil has taken my soul and I can no longer uphold.

Like the devil himself said child you shall feel defeat as I lie in this bed feeling so fucking incomplete like something bad has taken my hand help me Father for I can not stand.

Alone I feel even though I’m loved this meds are strong but my brain is already fried enough. 

I want to smile for I have all I need but deep down inside I just feel so twisted and weak.

OCD might be my devil in disguise for all the thoughts I have leave me burrowed inside.

Completely shut off I feel like a freak I can be demanding and selfish, I can be hollow and weak. 

I stare at walls and blink like the wall has a meaning but it’s actually just me looking for healing.

Help me Father for I have sinned take the devil out and let me come in.

Dear Depression.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Photos Taken By Me Thank You Beck For Allowing Me To Take Your Photo.

Dear Depression,

I’d introduce myself to you but I am pretty sure we know each other well enough, sure your not actively in my life anymore but as a teenager you seemed to be my only friend.

If I didn’t want to eat you wouldn’t force me, if I wanted to sleep you would sleep next to me, if I cried you would sit with me, if I wanted to die you would discuss the possibilities of how, if I cut you would tell me how deep, if I’d burn you’d control how long, if I was confused you would tell me how, if I got high you would make me numb, if I got drunk you’d be the burn I felt in my stomach and throat.

Yes it’s true you seemed like the only friend I had even though everything you dragged me through was essentially bad.

Though I’m older and more adult than before I still struggle with you at times and fall on the floor, and like you always do your dark embrace cuddles me there. I realise that being friends with you is something that I really shouldn’t reap.
Unfortunately though sometimes you swallow me hole and again I feel the emotions i felt once before.
When I was a 14-year-old girl trying to embrace the world, this time it’s different though I know the way you work so for a while I may fall under your demise but I promise you this old friend I will not fall within the abyss.

I will not let you take my hands, I will get up when you want me to sleep again, I will eat the food on my plate and this time I will keep it down and not vomit it up to lose some weight.
My skin is far too delicate to cut or burn so put that lighter and razor down there is no need to feel the burn.
I don’t need someone to cry with for I have true friends that cry with me and take my hands, they listen to me and comfort me too but they don’t have the harsh intentions, that was only you.

Depression you see it is time for me to say Goodbye to you, You may of succeed when it came to other people’s battles but for me you won’t do.

If your or someone you know is suffering with Depression please contact Beyond Blue on – 1300 22 4636

Monday Weekly Blogs.

image

Lately I have been very active blogging wise, and I really want to get my blog out there and known.
My Mental Health is getting a lot better and i regularly think about blogging all the time lately.
So I have decided that when I write a blog I am not going to post it straight away like I normally do, but schedule them for Monday’s at 1pm.
I hope my former blogsters and future ones will stick with me on this journey of discovery in the world and mind of someone who lives with OCD/Aniexty/Depression and Panic on a day to day basis and how you can get through it and successed no matter how lost you are. I have come a long way since when i started blogging and this is just the beginning my loves.

I know Monday’s are hard and tedious so maybe reading my blog each Monday will give you all something to look forward too!

Until then, – Rach. ❤

Over due update.

images (48)

Hey everyone,

Sorry for such a late update the last couple of weeks have been pretty hectic in changing medications and having 2 friends pass away. I am sorry for not being around for so long but the good news is I am back and writing you all this update right now, as I said some days I might not post maybe even some weeks but I will always be back so please stay subscribed!

So like I mentioned above I have been in the process of changing medications if you haven’t read some of my previous posts please go have a read and come back here so you can understand what I am talking about. So I have been on Avanza for a week and a bit now and the transition was okay but a couple of days ago I was feeling really really depressed like I couldn’t get out of bed and everything was making me cry, the day after that I started to feel a little better though. Today I have been feeling a little depressed and haven’t really gotten out of bed as of yet, like I know I have to and to feel better I should but I literally don’t even have the motivation to get out of bed. Even writing this blog seemed like it was going to take some effort and I came close to not doing it, but I did so I guess that’s one of my small steps for today.

My ex girlfriend’s cousin passed away last week from Cystic Fibrosis at the young age of 21 and this has made me really question myself and my life lately because I mean we are basically the same age and I couldn’t imagine going through what she did. She was such a kind hearted human being and I just don’t understand why on earth god ‘if there is a god’ would give someone so beautiful and kind hearted such a horrible life threatening disease to live with? Like where is the logic in that? To make things worse it wasn’t even really the Cystic Fibrosis that killed her it was that her new transplanted lungs were rejecting and she caught an infection in her lungs that her body just couldn’t fight off. After having been told you only have a few months to live at 16 and then being successful to get a lung transplant and then passing away a few years later from them rejecting like seriously? If there is a god then why would he do that? Why inflict so much pain and suffering? I just don’t understand that. So those are some big questions I have been having lately which is probably also why I am feeling depressed. Then to make matters worse we find out another friend who was very kind hearted also has passed away from diabetes. I have always wondered what was there for us after death and have questioned heaven but I just really hope that there is somewhere beautiful for these precious souls to go because they so deserve to go to a place like heaven and to be pain free.

So lots of big questions and thoughts this week, I’ll let you know how I feel in the weeks to come with my medication. Sorry it’s been so long since I posted I will try to make next times not as long. Thank you for reading.

Sleep.

FB_IMG_1440926542705

WARNING: I WROTE THE FOLLOWING POEM WHEN I WAS IN A DEEP DEPRESSIVE TIME OF MY LIFE.

16/10/14

Why do i feel this way?

I want to just run away.

This feeling is too deep and i feel like such a freak.

I just want to cut away anything in my way,

because the feeling is too deep and i just want to go to sleep.

Why do i feel this way?

There’s a dark cloud full of rain and i feel like i am going insane.

This numb feeling in my chest just won’t fade away.

Please help me i want to stay i don’t want to run away,

but Rachael has gone away and what’s left is a black parade.

A hologram of a girl who use to take on the world,

but the feeling is too deep and i just want to go to sleep.

Sleep until that day the pain finally goes away.

I am feeling just so damn weak and i just want to be happy and find a way to stay,

but this feeling is too deep fuck, just let me go to sleep!