Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.


I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

Hello Everyone!
There have been a few changes in my life since my last update on life, a couple of days ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
What this means is that my ovaries have cysts or follicles on my ovaries that rarely grow to maturity or produce eggs capable of being fertilised.
This in return can cause heavy or no periods, exessive hair growth on the face, neck, toes etc, pain with intercourse, abdominal pain, infertility, Insulin Resistance, acne, aniexty and depression and can cause the person to become overweight with little to no achievement of losing weight.

Finally after 5 years of battling with unexpected pain in my abdomen and with intercourse, on and off horrible cystic acne, insulin resistance, weight gain that doesn’t shift and kept going up, a weird period cycle and  4 different doctors, 3 different Gynecologists and 4 internal ultrasounds later I have been diagnosed!
You don’t understand how much of a relief that is to me.
I had been told that it was all in my head and because of suffering with OCD and aniexty it was easier for people to assume that it was all in my head.

The reason that my ultrasound didn’t pick up the cysts was because I was on the contraceptive pill but my left ovary was coming back as bulky. So my doctor asked me to stop taking the pill for a few months and then repeat the ultrasound. 
I almost gave up, I put off doing the ultrasound for months thinking it wasn’t important and that it would just come back like it always did with me having a bulky ovary but when I finally did get it done this time it was different, I had 13 cysts instead of the normal 8 and I finally went home with the diagnosis I knew I had all along Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

It wasn’t in anyway a good diagnosis but finally being told what I had suspected for years took so much pressure off my shoulders.

Everything started to make sense, you see from the moment I started my period at age 11 I started to gain weight, I started to get sick around the time of period and also experienced heavy periods and also had times were I would have prolonged bleeding that I would have to take medicine for to stop. I started to become depressed and later on in life became extremely anxious and panicky. I also developed Insulin Resistance and cystic acne.

When diagnosed with Insulin Resistance I was put on Metformin which funnily enough is one of the medications that treats Polycystic Ovary Syndrome to help people fall pregnant and help other nasty side effects of PCOS.
I have further testing to do by an Endocrinologist for my hormones and once that is done I will return to taking the contraceptive pill to help keep my period and pain in check.

Diet and exercise is an important part of treating and keeping your PCOS at bay so I will be looking into a low carb diet and some good excercise programs for people suffering with PCOS.

I have also been on Seroquel for my OCD dark thoughts which has also caused me to gain a massive 12 pounds and eat like an hippo! 
So I am currently slowly coming off it so I can have the best chance of losing weight and keeping it off for good!

If I keep taking Seroquel I would only be self savotaging myself.

In place of the Seroquel I will be taking a medication called Gabapentin which is a medication for nerve pain but can also be used off label for aniexty which I had used previously and it worked well.
I have found this new found confidence since being diagnosed too, I hadn’t been looking after myself and couldn’t be bothered dulling myself up because I thought I was just this fat girl that couldn’t lose weight so what was the point?
Yesterday I spontaneously decided to straighten my hair something I hadn’t done in a while and as I looked into the mirror I suddenly noticed this beautiful girl looking back at me and realised that even with the weight gain with just a little bit of effort I could be beautiful regardless.

I’ll keep you all updated in my future with PCOS and how I go with my dieting and excercise plans.
I hope this post has encouraged people having health problems not to give up, your diagnosis might be closer then you think!
Stay strong until another post,

 – Rach. ❤

When the devil calls my name.

​It’s really weird this feeling I feel the only way I can explain it is as if the devil has taken my soul and I can no longer uphold.

Like the devil himself said child you shall feel defeat as I lie in this bed feeling so fucking incomplete like something bad has taken my hand help me Father for I can not stand.

Alone I feel even though I’m loved this meds are strong but my brain is already fried enough. 

I want to smile for I have all I need but deep down inside I just feel so twisted and weak.

OCD might be my devil in disguise for all the thoughts I have leave me burrowed inside.

Completely shut off I feel like a freak I can be demanding and selfish, I can be hollow and weak. 

I stare at walls and blink like the wall has a meaning but it’s actually just me looking for healing.

Help me Father for I have sinned take the devil out and let me come in.

Be Your Own Hero.


Wow, how much I can relate to this image is scary.
I had some stuff come up this week that threw me on my ass and made me realise that the way I worded things can actually hurt someone if they are read out of context.
Even though what you wrote may not have been what you meant it to come off as, you don’t know how that person is feeling or thinking or is going to interpret that message and in the end it’s not really what you think you wrote that matters it’s what they think that matters.
You may of hurt that person by being too raw and getting too caught up in your feelings. That person may be feeling more than they are showing and just that one text is enough to take them go over the edge.
Please think about that the next time you go to tap send, please remember that the person behind that screen has feelings too and even though you’re struggling they may be struggling battles of their own.
Just leave it until you’re in person and they can hear your tone and see your facial expressions so you can explain yourself properly without their being any miscommunication.

In the end everyone is busy being their own heroes and I need to remember this for everyone is busy fighting there own battles and now it is time for me to stop expecting people who are doing everything they can to keep themselves alive to stop and help me fight mine.

It’s time to raise my shield, sharpen my swords and be my own hero for a change.

To the person I hurt with my words i am truly sorry.

Dear Depression.

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Photos Taken By Me Thank You Beck For Allowing Me To Take Your Photo.

Dear Depression,

I’d introduce myself to you but I am pretty sure we know each other well enough, sure your not actively in my life anymore but as a teenager you seemed to be my only friend.

If I didn’t want to eat you wouldn’t force me, if I wanted to sleep you would sleep next to me, if I cried you would sit with me, if I wanted to die you would discuss the possibilities of how, if I cut you would tell me how deep, if I’d burn you’d control how long, if I was confused you would tell me how, if I got high you would make me numb, if I got drunk you’d be the burn I felt in my stomach and throat.

Yes it’s true you seemed like the only friend I had even though everything you dragged me through was essentially bad.

Though I’m older and more adult than before I still struggle with you at times and fall on the floor, and like you always do your dark embrace cuddles me there. I realise that being friends with you is something that I really shouldn’t reap.
Unfortunately though sometimes you swallow me hole and again I feel the emotions i felt once before.
When I was a 14-year-old girl trying to embrace the world, this time it’s different though I know the way you work so for a while I may fall under your demise but I promise you this old friend I will not fall within the abyss.

I will not let you take my hands, I will get up when you want me to sleep again, I will eat the food on my plate and this time I will keep it down and not vomit it up to lose some weight.
My skin is far too delicate to cut or burn so put that lighter and razor down there is no need to feel the burn.
I don’t need someone to cry with for I have true friends that cry with me and take my hands, they listen to me and comfort me too but they don’t have the harsh intentions, that was only you.

Depression you see it is time for me to say Goodbye to you, You may of succeed when it came to other people’s battles but for me you won’t do.

If your or someone you know is suffering with Depression please contact Beyond Blue on – 1300 22 4636

A Hell Of A Technique.


Hello fellow Blogster and Readers,

This Monday I am going to let you in on a clever little technique a friend of mine found last week that has really been helping me with my intrusive thoughts.
Above is the image she forwarded to me and whilst reading it I remember thinking to myself “shit this is actually something really special here” and i knew from the minute i read it that it could be a game changer for me thought wise.
I do think a lot of negative things about myself but I also have intrusive dark thoughts about the people I really care about and it’s not me being nasty or anything, It’s just a fleeting thought I may think about someone in a heated argument or my brain plays tricks on me then I will think to myself stuff like what if I thought that about someone I loved? Then I’d think about me saying it then i’ll reasure myself that it’s just a thought and thoughts aren’t fact and then a vicious cycle of OCD and self hate starts.
Using this technique really helps to separate my OCD thoughts from myself which helps me dismiss the thought and not hold on and obsess over it with thoughts like “I am such a bad person” “how could anyone love me?” “If they knew what I was thinking they would hate me” “I don’t deserve love” “They need to know what I thought” “Your horrible person” “Why would you think that?” etc, etc, etc.
OCD is not something you can help it’s not something you can just ignore or turn off, it’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and it’s something that unfortunately sufferers like me have to learn to live with through techniques and sometimes medication.

Another exciting thing happened last week, I got my tattoos to remind me that when I have a bad thought that “It’s just a thought” and that “Thoughts aren’t fact.” They are still healing at the moment but I love them and love knowing that if I have a thought bugging me I can just look down and remember these simple yet powerful words.

I really hope me sharing on this information helps someone suffering out there like it did for me and hey, at least Donald Trump is good for something right?

Until next week, Rach. ❤

Freak Show & Bohemian Themed Photo Shoot.

Behind the scenes of the Freak Show shoot.

Yesterday at 4 pm I finished editing my first actual legit 2 photo shoots, the theme for the 2 photo shoots were  Freak Show where I had to take photos of a really creepy and dark but fantastic clown and two beautiful Bohemian hair styled girls.
The girls were all made up and had their hair done by the TAFE student hairdressers and we were paired to a hairdresser and her model.
Once that was done we were to talk with our client and get an idea of what they wanted there photos to look like making sure that the hair was the main focus in the picture.
We were also given our own brief and assessment on what we had to do when taking the photos – we were to pick 8-12 photos of the best shots we took, edit the photos to the best of our ability and present the photos to the hairdresser clients on a CD disk.

For my first shoot I was paired with Kate her model’s name was Nova and her theme was Freak Show, I spoke with her and got an idea of what she wanted.
Kate wanted the pictures to be creepy and dark but also put emphasis on the hair style she had performed.
I remember first meeting Nova, she was all done up in her outfit and her hair and make up had been done, I remember thinking to myself holy shit she looked creepy but also thinking how cool and amazing her photos were going to look and doubted myself that i could do the photos justice.
When it came time to shoot I was very nervous but as soon as I started shooting I didn’t stop, something came over me and I just got into some sort of zone and focused only on taking the photos and what angles I should shoot them from to get the best possible picture.
Nova absolutely worked the camera like she had been a professional model her whole life, her body was so flexible and bent to every creepy angle and curve it could, she made my job almost too easy.

Here are the photos of the shoot.

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It was an experience I will never forget and I am in love with how good the photos came out and couldn’t be anymore proud of myself.

After the Freak Show themed photo shoot came the Bohemian themed shoot, this shoot couldn’t be anymore different to the Freak Show shoot.
The two lovely girls I photographed were named Indie and Victoria (Indie first and Victoria second.) Their stylist names were Jordia and Chelsea.
The photo shoot was taken in a studio setting with glamour lighting, the girls looked beautiful and elegant and again I feared I wouldn’t be able to do their photos any justice.

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Once again I was delighted with how the photos turned out after I had gone through them, picked the best ones and done some slight editing to the photos to emphasis the hair.

The best thing I learnt from this shoot was that it is okay to doubt yourself, hell it might even be a great thing because in the end you just might surprise yourself.

Thank you to Kate, Nova, Indie, Victoria, Jordia and Chelsea for trusting me to take these photos for them, allowing me to write a blog about the experience and giving consent for me to share there photos I took of them with you all.

Until next week – Rach. ❤