Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.

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When the devil calls my name.

​It’s really weird this feeling I feel the only way I can explain it is as if the devil has taken my soul and I can no longer uphold.

Like the devil himself said child you shall feel defeat as I lie in this bed feeling so fucking incomplete like something bad has taken my hand help me Father for I can not stand.

Alone I feel even though I’m loved this meds are strong but my brain is already fried enough. 

I want to smile for I have all I need but deep down inside I just feel so twisted and weak.

OCD might be my devil in disguise for all the thoughts I have leave me burrowed inside.

Completely shut off I feel like a freak I can be demanding and selfish, I can be hollow and weak. 

I stare at walls and blink like the wall has a meaning but it’s actually just me looking for healing.

Help me Father for I have sinned take the devil out and let me come in.

A Hell Of A Technique.

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Hello fellow Blogster and Readers,

This Monday I am going to let you in on a clever little technique a friend of mine found last week that has really been helping me with my intrusive thoughts.
Above is the image she forwarded to me and whilst reading it I remember thinking to myself “shit this is actually something really special here” and i knew from the minute i read it that it could be a game changer for me thought wise.
I do think a lot of negative things about myself but I also have intrusive dark thoughts about the people I really care about and it’s not me being nasty or anything, It’s just a fleeting thought I may think about someone in a heated argument or my brain plays tricks on me then I will think to myself stuff like what if I thought that about someone I loved? Then I’d think about me saying it then i’ll reasure myself that it’s just a thought and thoughts aren’t fact and then a vicious cycle of OCD and self hate starts.
Using this technique really helps to separate my OCD thoughts from myself which helps me dismiss the thought and not hold on and obsess over it with thoughts like “I am such a bad person” “how could anyone love me?” “If they knew what I was thinking they would hate me” “I don’t deserve love” “They need to know what I thought” “Your horrible person” “Why would you think that?” etc, etc, etc.
OCD is not something you can help it’s not something you can just ignore or turn off, it’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and it’s something that unfortunately sufferers like me have to learn to live with through techniques and sometimes medication.

Another exciting thing happened last week, I got my tattoos to remind me that when I have a bad thought that “It’s just a thought” and that “Thoughts aren’t fact.” They are still healing at the moment but I love them and love knowing that if I have a thought bugging me I can just look down and remember these simple yet powerful words.

I really hope me sharing on this information helps someone suffering out there like it did for me and hey, at least Donald Trump is good for something right?

Until next week, Rach. ❤