Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.

When the devil calls my name.

​It’s really weird this feeling I feel the only way I can explain it is as if the devil has taken my soul and I can no longer uphold.

Like the devil himself said child you shall feel defeat as I lie in this bed feeling so fucking incomplete like something bad has taken my hand help me Father for I can not stand.

Alone I feel even though I’m loved this meds are strong but my brain is already fried enough. 

I want to smile for I have all I need but deep down inside I just feel so twisted and weak.

OCD might be my devil in disguise for all the thoughts I have leave me burrowed inside.

Completely shut off I feel like a freak I can be demanding and selfish, I can be hollow and weak. 

I stare at walls and blink like the wall has a meaning but it’s actually just me looking for healing.

Help me Father for I have sinned take the devil out and let me come in.

Be Your Own Hero.

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Wow, how much I can relate to this image is scary.
I had some stuff come up this week that threw me on my ass and made me realise that the way I worded things can actually hurt someone if they are read out of context.
Even though what you wrote may not have been what you meant it to come off as, you don’t know how that person is feeling or thinking or is going to interpret that message and in the end it’s not really what you think you wrote that matters it’s what they think that matters.
You may of hurt that person by being too raw and getting too caught up in your feelings. That person may be feeling more than they are showing and just that one text is enough to take them go over the edge.
Please think about that the next time you go to tap send, please remember that the person behind that screen has feelings too and even though you’re struggling they may be struggling battles of their own.
Just leave it until you’re in person and they can hear your tone and see your facial expressions so you can explain yourself properly without their being any miscommunication.

In the end everyone is busy being their own heroes and I need to remember this for everyone is busy fighting there own battles and now it is time for me to stop expecting people who are doing everything they can to keep themselves alive to stop and help me fight mine.

It’s time to raise my shield, sharpen my swords and be my own hero for a change.

To the person I hurt with my words i am truly sorry.

Dear K – Remember me?

I wrote this poem a week or so ago about my bestfriend i had a falling out with’s Mother.
Her and her Family were like extended Family to me, we even spent Christmas together last year with her Family and mine.
Her Sisters were like my Sisters and her Mum was like a second Mum to me so when we had a falling out and everyone shout me out and deleted me i felt a lot of betrayal and anger especially towards G’s Mum.

The names have been changed to there initials for privacy reasons.

Remember me? I was the one who was invited into your home with smiles and arms wide open.

Remember me? I was the smart edged girl with a dark past who had a dream.

Remember me? I listened to your every desire and dream.

Remember me? I brought you a butterfly key chain for your Birthday.

Remember me? I dated your daughter and made her laugh and smile.

Remember me? I met your Family and let most of them melt my heart.

Remember me? I stayed with G and comforted her whilst you were on work trips.

Remember me? I went to G’s appointments when you couldn’t be there.

Remember me? Laying at the REM doctors blunky arm chairs while G got tested for something you couldn’t even open your mind to see?

Remember me? Chasing after B in the street when she cried.

Remember me? I told you about a place best for G to go.

Remember me? Picking up G when she needed me.

Remember me? When i left your house every week with a broken heart.

Remember me? I got so lost i almost drowned.

Remember me? I threw up for weeks.

Remember me? You cuddled me when i needed be.

Remember me? When he left i wiped away your sorrow.

Remember me? When i hugged you so tight whilst you cried and burrowed.

Remember me? I started to get new ambitions.

Remember me? I started to stand.

Remember me? I know you can!

Remember me? It wasn’t that long ago!

Remember me? I have feelings too.

Remember me? You were like another Mother to me don’t you know?

Remember me because i was there, there’s no denying those days of despair.

Remember me, you said i was Family.

Remember me, or do you not? I must not of been that important i just must of not.

Your naked body should belong only to those who fall in love with your naked soul.

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I never knew how true this quote above meant until I met my other half.

When I was a Teenager I thought that to be loved by someone was for them to want to have sex with you.
I thought that if they saw you from across the room at a gig or a party and they winked at you that you were in for a good night and they liked you.
I thought this was how relationships worked, boy was a I wrong.

I have been in 2 serious Relationships in my short period of life where I thought sex was the main goal in the relationship and that’s how I ran with it. When the sex died down like it always does in relationships I believed that they weren’t into me anymore and didn’t find me sexually attractive anymore.
It wasn’t that sex was all that I desired in a relationship I knew that there was a possibly of settling down, getting married and having kids so much so that I got engaged once which crashed and burned and left me with a massive amount of trust issues. The thing is I thought that if I wasn’t desired sexually all the time that there was something wrong because that’s how I was programed to think as a young lusting teen, I didn’t respect my body enough and didn’t give the person time enough to see my naked soul, I’d just tempt them with my naked body which is disrespectful to me.

Finding someone who isn’t just all about sex and actually wants to get to know me has put my mind in a wacky situation. This person is absolutely amazing and he actually wanted to get to know every part of my naked soul before touching my naked body, It is meant to be a privilege to get to that point of trust and love in a Relationship. It was hard for me and to be honest it still is hard for me to understand, I sometimes feel like maybe I am not good enough but I know it’s not that. I know that this person actually sees a future with me and wanted to get to know every single part of me the good and the bad to prove to me that he was there for me for good. He knows the way I looked at sex wasn’t good for me or for our relationship and he stepped back from that and said no, let’s just take this slowly and get to know each other’s naked soul before jumping under the sheets.

I don’t think he knows this but deep down inside and out,

– I greatly thank him for that.

Monday Weekly Blogs.

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Lately I have been very active blogging wise, and I really want to get my blog out there and known.
My Mental Health is getting a lot better and i regularly think about blogging all the time lately.
So I have decided that when I write a blog I am not going to post it straight away like I normally do, but schedule them for Monday’s at 1pm.
I hope my former blogsters and future ones will stick with me on this journey of discovery in the world and mind of someone who lives with OCD/Aniexty/Depression and Panic on a day to day basis and how you can get through it and successed no matter how lost you are. I have come a long way since when i started blogging and this is just the beginning my loves.

I know Monday’s are hard and tedious so maybe reading my blog each Monday will give you all something to look forward too!

Until then, – Rach. ❤

Don’t become who hurt you

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Oh how i know this feeling well and have been struggling with it a lot lately, i don’t know if many of you know but i had a falling out with someone who was my Bestfriend 3 weeks ago. She was the one who i dated for a year and the one i fell apart into an anxious mess about.

Let me start from the beginning, I met this girl after i had been through a tough break up with my ex fiancée at the time and being Bisexual i was intrested in pursuing girls for change. We went to school together before i re met her at a TAFE course we both started. I knew she was an out the closet Lesbian and i knew she could teach me a thing or too so i started talking to her, i added her on Facebook and she invited me to her place to watch movies. I told her straight up that i wasn’t looking for anything serious to come from us i just wanted to goof around and she was fine with that. Unfortunately a few days later after hanging out i realised that i had feelings for her that run deeper then the ocean and lit a fire within me that i couldn’t ignore. I told her and she agreed that she had feelings aswell, expect she lied..
You see she had a way of keeping people who came close to her by persuing them sexually but not really having that romantic feeling for them. For about a year i was lend on by ‘i love you don’t ever leave me’s to i never really loved you i only see you as a friend’s.’ This happened over and over again and i kept stupidly coming back again and again. I became extremely anxious so much so that i was waking up in panic attacks and shaking so unbearably I’d vomit. I couldn’t spend an hour not speaking to her without thinking the worst. Eventually we broke up again and then never got back together, i was still sick as a dog and we stayed Bestfriends so much so we acted just like we did when we dated minus the intimate part. For some stupid reason i still held on so strong to the idea she would love me again but she never did. As i wrapped myself deeper and deeper into that thought evenually she met someone and decided to get into a relationship resulting in me panicking more because i was going to lose her and her doing the exact same thing to this other girl as she did to me. Except this time she only broke her heart once because i was there to stop her from hurting this poor girl beyond no return like she did me. Of course i know she didn’t mean to hurt people she had been through a lot in her life that i soon came to realise as to why she was the way she was. Our friendship was hard to deal with and we fought constantly and screamed at eachother daily, something that i didn’t do often to the people i really loved and cared about and it was turning me into something i didn’t like and begged and pleaded with her for us to stop doing but it never fixed anything. You see i learn’t that even if you want something so badly it hurts and your willing to change for that person you still can’t make them change if they don’t see a problem in there behavior.

I started to get better with countless medication changes i finally found the one that worked for me and i met new people which lead me to lessen my obsession on her, which in turn made her rather jealous.

Fast forward to now and we had a fight as i said about 3 weeks ago over her trying to get onto one of my closest friends whom i told her was definitely off the cards and was a big no, no in my books. I forgave her once for doing it but when she tried a second time my trust for her became to wear.
By the way the girl who she tried to be intimate with has a Boyfriend which only made the situation worse for the whole 4 of us.

The whole point of this blog though is to explain that even though that person is now gone from my life and we aren’t screaming and yelling at eachother every day i still can show that bad quality side to the people i care about and lash out for no reason, it’s going to be a hard habit to break but when i came across the picture above on Facebook it kind of put what i am going through into perspective for me.

– Don’t become who hurt you, just because they hurt you like that doesn’t mean you need to punish others like it. Rise above all that hatred and anger, write this off as a lesson and move on.