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HELLO WORLD!

Hello World!

My name is Rachael and I am just a regular 21 year old who is very interested in writing anything from short stories, reviews, daily blogs, advice, rants, poems and so much more.

I am also an aspiring and student Photographer, completing a Diploma in Photo-Imaging so I will be blogging some photographs that I take within the 2 year journey of my course.

I’m at that age where I am not sure exactly what I want to do with my life and have been given good feed back on my writing abilities so I thought that I would make a blog to see what the world thinks of my writing and if I could possibly pursue a career from it along with my photography goals.

So if your interested in helping a Newbie Blogger/Photographer out, come back and check my blog out every once and while and tell me what you think.

Thanks everyone!

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Dear Future Child.

Dear future child,

One day when I have you I’ll thank the heavens you we’re born.

I’ll listen to your heart beat on that lovely sonogram.

I’ll cuddle you gently, I’ll go through pain and fear but it will all be worth it when your finally here.

I know it might not be awhile but please remember this because it’s true, you are loved, you are wanted and you will be here soon.

I can’t wait until the day I’ll come home and be welcomed to your face, you’ll hug me tight and in that moment I’ll know that I have found my place.

One day now child I’ll bring you into this world and then you’ll be my saving grace, and I’ll be your Mother for the rest of your days.

Happy Mother’s Day to the future Mums out there who can’t wait to have their first children or to the Mother’s that are struggling. – This day is for you too.

Uncle Trev.

Rest In Peace Uncle Trev. 🌹

You we’re always there for me whenever I needed advice.
You we’re always there for me even when I caused you strife.
You listened to my problems you always had an answer for my concerns and when I felt the world try and take me under you offered me your hand.
You told me things that made me think, you told me stories of the life you once lived and you always made me feel like I should never quit.
Thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for helping me when things were tough.
Its hard to fathom that I can’t come to you anymore in person but at least I know when things get rough I can look up at the sky and know your there in heaven.
So I knew this day would come, that I would finally have to say goodbye, I love you Uncle Trev please tell Dad that I said hi.

Someone Like You.

When you fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you back you turn into a lot of different things to disguise the pain.

You become cold, you become heartless, you turn into a sex loving manic machine because you’ll sleep with anyone, anyone else would be the perfect ideal to keep him off your mind, it tells you that your not lonely, that people do still want you and of cause the big one that you are still attractive – you still got that girl they still want all up in ya!

But what you really want most out of anything is for him to want to be the one that wants to hold you, for him to be the one that hold your hands, kissing your forehead and tell you it’s all alright.

Well it’s not because his not here and your still swiping left for any worthy bachelor on Tinder so that maybe just maybe you will go home to “Mr Right” and he will sweep you off your feet and make you forget about this guy that keeps breaking you, taking you, and making you be somebody that is not you, this isn’t you.

Your a ho that catches feeling not one that spreads and begs and deep throats until her mouth gets sore.
I know I can’t do this anymore but it’s like an addiction and you feed to this inception.

You broke me and now I am something I didn’t want to be to stop the pain, I feel insane, never thought I’d be known by that name.

They say you become like the person who hurt you, looks like all I have become now is someone like you.

Ye.

I ruin everything like a car crashing into a street light lamp pole I see it all crushing before my eyes and before I can stop myself the damage is already done and all that is left is carnage.
It’s like 2 kids and a Mother being hit by a truck what I mean is when we first started talking there was glimmer in the way he spoke, there was hope.
Every night when I said I’ll talk to you tomorrow? He would reply with definitely. Now all he says is ye or okay like all the hope and wanting to know me that was once there is now gone.
It’s gone because his gotten to know me now and his realised that I am more trouble then I am good.
I am just an empty glass that someone forgot to half fill.
I am nothing but problems and problems are all to well known to him for him to have to deal with mine.
So instead of definitely I get ye because he doesn’t deal in absolutes anymore now he knows the black cloud that’s hanging from me ear to ear.
All I get now is ye.

We Are Broken.

When I look into your eyes I see misery, misery meets company so when I say I want to see you today I don’t say it because I all of sudden love you I say it because I’m lonely and I know you are too.

I say it because my bed is a deep swirling hole of depression and if I don’t get up today and do my hair and make up will I ever?
I say it not to scare you or worry you but because when I’m with you time stops still for a few minutes and the anxiety I feel all day everyday stops for a second, when I’m lying with you I’m not counting the days we have left together because I know this isn’t a permanent situation or love sickingly thinking of names for our future Children I’m thinking this is nice, this is normal, I want to be normal… You make me feel normal.

Maybe your asking yourself why me? Why am I so important to you? What did you do to have to of been hand picked by me and to have to carry my burden and to that I simply say your broken, and so am I, and broken is my normal.

So when I say I feel comfortable with you it’s not because you kiss me softly and brush your hands between my tithes, it’s because when I look into your eyes I see me, I see sad, I see hurt, I see broken.

We are broken and when we touch sometimes we cut ourselves on each others sharp edges but I have always said that everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find the one worth suffering for.

But are you worth it? Am I? Maybe in the end we will end up more broken then whole again but I don’t mind because being broken with you is something I find comforting.
Because when your broken it already hurts so it doesn’t really matter anyways.

What I mean is it’s like seeing a half eaten burrito and remembering how slow it takes you to eat one.
What I mean is it’s like being called beautiful when your naked at 2 in the morning even though my body is hiding under the moon light and the sheets.
It’s like being told to move on multiple times verbally by you but being caught under your gaze when you kiss me.
It’s like all those things in once and to be honest it’s not something I can explain, so you’ll just have to take my word for it in this poem.

Dear Me

Dear me,

Hey Rachael I would just like to write a message to you from yourself.
I want you to know that you are strong and when I think about you and what you have been through, what you have battled, what you have achieved in life I think wow..

Wow because life has hurt you.

Wow because it would of been easier to fall to the floor and give up.

Wow because you have been down the path of self destruction and instead of staying on that deadly but security blanket safe path you turned the corner onto change.

Wow because you survived the cruelty of being bullied and pulled apart by lost Teenagers.

Wow because even though School scared the shit out of you, you rised above and became School Captain at your new school.

Wow because you lost a parent at such a young age and instead of letting it break you instead you let it help you grow and always kept a positive mind set.

Wow because even though you have been through a couple of toxic relationships you haven’t let that deprive you of loving again.

Wow because you have battled not just one mental illness but three.

Wow because whilst many people would of given up you haven’t.

Wow because even though you struggle everyday with OCD intrustive thoughts you can still manage to smile.

No wonder OCD picked you, your obviously the perfect target after keeping it together for so long there is only so much a person can take before they break.
What I really want to say Rachael is that I am so proud of you. That even though you struggle with pitch black dark thoughts that keep you up at night, that attack your mind and confuse you of your own voice that I am proud of you and I am not your OCD. Behind those dark thoughts is you, lovely, beautiful, caring you and just as you try to care for others and cringe at those dark thoughts that make you believe your a monster of some sort you are still underneath them.

You are still here, you are not them and you will get through this.

Please keep fighting Rachael, I love you.

– Yourself.