Why i have codependency.

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I believe my codependency started from being in a relationship previously with a guy who i believed was the perfect guy for me for 5 years. We got engaged and i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I trusted him with every fiber of my being, he would never leave me, cheat on me, steal from me, do crazy reckless things to put not just me but my families life in danger. He was going to make a perfect husband & father right? Wrong. He lied to me and made me think for at least a year that his ADHD was what was affecting his behavior. He became violent and verbally abusive. He made out like i was stupid and told me he didn’t need help or his medication. For months i struggled with him i was always on top of his medication, monitoring his friends, told him what he could and couldn’t do, fed into his lies, told myself he was only acting this way because he wasn’t on the correct medication. I found out after i’d had enough that he was using drugs and alcohol and other reckless behavior, i’d had enough of helping him. If he could lie for a year about that then what else had he lied about? I ignored my friends and families advice when they said he was no good for me anymore. Finally after a night of guilt trips to get me to stay around the next morning i asked if he had taken his tablets which resulted in him chucking the biggest fit over the telephone. I told him i had enough and was done. He replied with “are you going to be home today so i can pick my stuff up?” Which he threatened “you better be because if your not i am going to kick your door down and set your house on fire!” Right then was when i realised that the perfect person, that one and only one for me wasn’t the perfect one anymore and after 5 long years i left.

A month later i met this girl who i knew to believe was a lesbian, i knew this because i had gone to the same school as her. I was newly single and referred to myself as bisexual I thought she would be the perfect person to experiment with. I told her from the start that i didn’t want anything serious to come from this and she didn’t mind that. A couple of days after hanging out and playing around i realised i was starting to develop feelings for her and she for me. It was all new and exciting to me and soon after this she asked me out and i accepted. I soon discovered that she hadn’t been in a serious relationship before and she thought certain things were okay to do with other people. I became clingy and dependent and that defiantly wasn’t what she was use to. She tried to end it but i reeled her back in by self harming and telling her i couldn’t live without her. She tried breaking up with me a few times but i insisted we keep trying. I found out that she had a background history with drugs and alcohol and hanging around the wrong people, this put me on edge. I didn’t like her best friend and he didn’t like me, i became clingy and made sure i was with her 24/7. I remindered her to take her medication the same way as i did in my previous relationship and was always seeking reassurance that she still loved me, i pretty much smothered her. One day we were at one of her psychologist appointments and i expressed my fears of losing her and how it was causing me extreme anxiety. To then she replied with “I am miserable, i feel like i am lying to you all the time and i think we should break up, we were only meant to be best friends she said.” I cried and begged and pleaded for her to come back but she wasn’t budging this time. I became physically sick and developed panic attacks and major anxiety i just couldn’t function without talking to her at least every few hours.

It’s been a few months now and i’m still suffering from a lot of anxiety and panic attacks but each day is getting easier. We are still the best of friends and hang out every week and speak on the phone everyday which helps but i still have problems where if she doesn’t answer my calls or texts i  panic and think she has had enough and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I know that my codependency is taking it’s toll on her and if i don’t get it under control i probably won’t even have her as a friend anymore. She has a new girlfriend now which makes thing hard and complicates things a bit because i feel like her girlfriend doesn’t understand why she is always speaking to me or why i ring up in a panic and want to talk, which i understand.

I always knew i had a problem i just didn’t know it was codependency and i feel like i got my codependency ways from my ex boyfriend problems and me not taking the time to heal before getting into a new relationship. I attend a codependency anonymous group weekly and i am slowly beginning to understand and take my life back into my own hands. I don’t want to lose my best friend so it is time to kick this codependency stuff in the butt!

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